Blocked

I am blocked
I can’t see straight and my eyes are filled with wasps,
stinging, ears ringing, I’m falling into broken bricks and bleeding,
In pain, hearing tainted by the night and mind hijacked by self-defeating beliefs,
My only relief is the beautiful heat of sunrays splaying upon my hunched back,
I hear insects buzzing around my ears screaming about what I LACK,
It’s a full-on mind fuck attack!
Constricted, enclosed, hidden and it will never be found.
My innocence has been buried deep deep down underground,
I wear this frown like a crown,
It saves me from hurting like I did in school when the teachers, the students and the entire system of education beat my creative sensitive child like self into an unrecognisable lump of sewage,
Beaten down,
I smell the injustice rising from my memories & the stench fills my nostrils with disgust,
I want to paint the walls with my anger, blood and lust,  
I can’t believe that anyone loves me because the pain of these memories shuts me down,
I am gripping to the edge knuckles rought and breath held,
both not wanting to fall but also not wanting to be pulled up,
white knuckle blood pumps through fingers, bones tearing through skin, self-destruct…
I can’t be loved
I just can’t…

 

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