'Fractured'

'Fractured' is a series of poems mostly written the months during breaking up with my old love this past year.  The first two 'First Eyes' & 'I will remember you' were written in the first few months of the relationship.  'First Eyes' clearly emitting tragic frequencies & 'I will remember you' sounding like a poem written at the end of a relationship rather than the beginning.  Like the Titanic, one of a kind and destined to sink from the start it seems.  Held together with hope, love and a denial of the deeper fate of the relationship from early on, almost 2 years from when we first met I publish this series as a testament to a great unlived potential.  An unlived potential forever lost to the passing vastness and vacuum of space and time. A story that begun & ended in the place that I was born and grew up.  In publishing this Series I set the story alight and let it burn through,  I leave the ash to be carried away into the familiar embrace of the local forest & Life moves on...


First Eyes

Was there ever a beauty more hidden?
All my life there was this noise,
I never knew it was there,
When I look into your face it stops and a silence like I've never before felt becomes me,
I feel the warmth of your breath,  I feel the fear of death,
I once lent out my heart and now its time to collect,
This poem is broken, like you, it has not yet found a way to embrace the truth,
Yet through my hands this poem reaches this page for me to read to arrive to your ears,
Its all in your hands, Listen to them, Let them lead, The beauty deep colour filled, Rhythmic temptation,  
Riding rainbows on spoons that were once used to feed entire nations,
Your rising passion, Your multi-layered direction, Your anger tinged frustration lined with a large dose of confusion and underneath,
Pain of not being,  Of not seeing,
Darkness - blinds all lights, nothing is seen, nothing....its night.
Yes its night and you open your eyes,
Slowly colour dances with darkness and draws in the light,
Hypnotic, you are,  Nourishing like a field of fruit trees covered in honey,
Harvest is here and those who survived hunger dance in amongst the branches,
Joyfully munching, chewing, brewing, then they sit in circles stewing,
Its a right of passage,  All members of this community do it when they have come through very hard times,
It reminds them of how beautiful they all are, That through the hardship of hunger a great beauty is born, grows wings, sings....Your beauty sings like a creature of the night, creature of the moonlight,  I am a mere grain of sand in the presence of your oceanic essence of nourishing flame,  Burn me, Tickle my heart with your uncontrollable fire,  Cut my wings and bury me in the ground, Lay a head stone that reads LOVE LIES HERE WITHOUT SOUND..
I will rise...just to see you again,
just to feel you again,
just to be you again...
I am bleeding as I write this,
your eyes penetrated too deep...again silence and then...sleep...

c. Copyright 2015 Anu Azrael


I will remember you
You are silent in your storm,
your eyes speak about ancient stories of hardship and woe,
Your weight reminds me that winter also has a place in my heart and that too will pass,
We all shall pass,  this day shall pass and tomorrow your beauty will follow me,
I will remember you in the reflective white birds gliding on sunrays,
I will remember you in the water as it falls,  I hear a humming bird collecting food for its young and I feel you in her purpose,
I will remember you when the sun-rises and I will thank you when the sunsets,
Beautiful Orange-pink- splaying life-force carries me beyond you,
Carries me away from you and towards the star that once lived inside us.
Thanks to you I rise in lightness,  Thanks to you I rise from the flames of my heart and I paint the dark night sky with my passionate purpose. 
I shine…

c. Copyright 2015 Anu Azrael

Fractured
Broken shards of my heart still bleeding not yet fully torn apart,
some pieces cling on to one another like traumatized children to the body of their dead mothers.  
I am sorry,  I don't mean to smother and suffocate your space with my broken intensity and non acceptance of where we are,  I am just driven mad by thoughts of you rithing upon darkened bodies and losing yourself to the darkness of unconscious pleasure and acts of self-hatred committed through the offering of flesh with shy smiles and a revealing dress,  I try to close my eyes but that only intensifies my diseased thoughts, dripping with sweat and jamacain cum, penis shoved rough shod in your mouth with no love,  meanwhile you hold a gun to your own head, the man standing over you just dosen't care whether you're alive or dead, even when the shot has killed you, he will just keep on shoving himself in and out and in and out........

.......and I still hold a small delicate flame in my hands,
I have saved it from your beautiful chest,
I am drenched in tears and I give my whole self to protect this sacred spark of love,
but its slowly dying, I can feel it leaving... your body unmoving and covered in cum,
sweat and blood is left in a pile,
abandoned by those you call friends and those you take as lovers, 
I gently, lovingly pick your whole body up and take you to the stream,
I lovingly clean you and cover you in white feathers and yellow flowers and I wait for the Sun,
I take your lifeless hand and I look towards the sky. 
I will wait here until either Sunrays give you life or your body starts rotting and seeks the ground.
I will be here when you wake or when you need my hands to bury you,
I will be here when the crowds of shadows have dispersed, 
just look for the white birds, 
I embrace your fear,
your destructiveness and your death,
thank you for teaching me what love is.
I love you,
wherever you are...

c. Copyright 2015 Anu Azrael



Fragments
A whirl of painful memories of men getting their way with the woman for whom I initially prayed. 
When she first arrived my heart dived into the great expanse of sky and cried itself alive...
but now my prayers broken into fragments and carried off into the ether by a sudden breeze,
coming out of a deep dark red freeze,
tears, staining the ground with my love,
with my heart break,
little streams of sorrow carry my last hopes out to sea,
I watch them taken by the tides and thrown by the violent winds into the selfish unforgiving, 
unwilling waves and there was a time when my heart would sing,
now just a broken mystery drenched in despair and lost to the ocean's desperate and overpowering embrace,
in this unknown place I lie,
waiting for the ground to swallow my pain...

c. Copyright 2015 Anu Azrael




Emptiness My Only Friend
Emptiness my only friend, 
No one is there for me like emptiness, 
When the memory of your scent has worn away and your voice like a distant ship echoes across the seas from some unknown bay,
no longer familiar,
emptiness is there for me.
Emptiness holds the broken pieces of my soul,
emptiness swallows my pain and longing so I don't have to feel,
I cling in my mind to some distant future time when we shall meet again and our hearts will heal together,
but to my heart that knows no time it may as well be forever.
The truth is emptiness is my only friend.

c. Copyright 2015 Anu Azrael
 

Broken 
You broke me.
I came, I gave it all and in return you broke me.
You broke me open to a grief that I may never have touched,
You showed me a pain that I may never have felt,
Just by you being yourself and my being exposed to you this way my heart is broken open.
In to feeling,
grieving layers peeling,
violence in the world screaming,
finding a voice through my open chanel of feeling through this chest everything is expressed,
nothing repressed,
not even death...
There is thick blood and a pumping heart here..
softer edges of whispering hands holding gently these fragile fragments penetrated by screams,
Still beating...I am holding broken dreams,
like grains of sand slipping through my fingers and finding their way home,
taken by the tides of light and the roaring oceans,
my head is gently stroked,
by the beautiful earth's soul finding its way home through this gift of being broken...
 
Thank you for being free,
thank you for giving up taking care of me,
Thank you for following your heart and living your earthly experience honestly.
Thank you for doing what in our relationship you always found it so hard to do,
thank you for being you.
I love you.  

c. Copyright 2015 Anu Azrael



Final Love Letter
I See that everything happened exactly the way it was meant to, that it is simply God's way of showing you yourself. God's way of showing us ourselves.
You are too willing to take responsibility for what happened, you have turned it into a flag against yourself and you are constantly waving it and losing yourself in the pain of it. I don't hold anything against you, I love you. Always will. Always. No matter what, I love you. Our relationship wasn't working long before you cheated. Your cheating wasn't the root of our break, it was simply a symptom of us not really working. I knew that when it first happened and that is why I wasn't angry for long.  I have been holding on too long to what we had and not accepting that it is lost. Now I see. Whatever happens with us in future it will never be the same again. I don't have a crystal ball, don't know the future. I only know that life moves on in ways that we don't control. I also know that I love and care about you and although we will change, this truth will not.  You are one of the most beautiful, capable, talented, creative, beautiful (did I say that already!?), intelligent women I have ever met. Yet you have thrown yourself into the pits of hell, you have nailed yourself to the cross, smeared yourself in blood and dived naked into shark infested waters. Why? I don't know. Only you have the power to rise out of this darkness like a bright star. Only you have the power to seek therapy, to dance, to meditate, to do yoga. Only you have the power to travel to where the light is, to let go of those friends you have made in the darkness or begin to encourage them into the light, only you have the power to go where the light is, I can not do this for you. I am also beginning to see that maybe my resistance to leaving you has been feeding into your resistance to loving yourself and getting better. So out of love for you and myself I let you go.  We will see each other again. Where and when I don't know. I hope it is in the light. 

c. Copyright 2015 Anu Azrael



Turning The Page
So much beauty lost to the winds of time,
I turn the page and realize it is the end of the chapter,
I feel like going back and reading this chapter again,
hoping to find something else,
Did I miss something here?
A sacred deepening into beauty that almost happened,
A dancing of hearts and true meeting that was scheduled but mostly missed,
A violent abortion of slowly growing beauty and innocence,
You painted us in the light of the sun and then burned your creation in the shadows where no-one could stop you,  I welcomed this shipment of relief,
You didn't do it to us,
you did it 'for' both of us,
I turn the page forward toward the first page of the next chapter,
My grief lessening,
my tears falling,
I wish you could hold my tears gently in the palms of your hands,
Taste them, rub them gently on the side of your head,
If you did then maybe you would see,
Beyond feeling this pain, Beyond these broken pieces, there is bright light...
....and like Rumi says, "I will meet you there"...

c. Copyright 2015 Anu Azrael



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