I feel like these first 48hrs in Auschwitz have been a bit of a whirlwind of information, historical narratives and initial impressions. I have needed to run around getting a bit clearer about what actually happened here and how it was part of so much else that was going on in Europe at this time. Also I think getting lost in the information and intellectual learning is a great way of avoiding going deeper within myself and really being here in this deep and spacious field. Maybe also I needed to get lost in the information for a short time, it was my way of arriving here more slowly. So it is unlikely I will be posting many more photos or historical information. From now I will be sharing more what is going on deeper inside of me.
To be honest my normal pattern when coming somewhere on my own like this would be to leave at this point and just drive off somewhere else. However there is something with weight strongly inviting me to stay here and I feel very relaxed being here in this field, something in me feels very willing to be here longer, remaining open to not knowing and dropping a little deeper into this wonderful experience. It is strange to say this but something in me feels at home here, I can't quite explain it, in fact I can't explain it at all, it just is.
Today after writing my Shadow Of Humanity blogs I decided to let go of taking photos, let go of reading texts in exhibitions and on signs, let go of tours and just start really being in the space. There was 90 minutes left in Auschwitz I before closing so I went on over there with the intention to just feel my way around the space. I walked most of the perimeter from the inside next to the fence. I wondered if it was the same barbed wire as from the war, I wondered how many had thrown themselves on the fence on the spots I was walking over, how many had lost hope. Then I had what I might be described as a good idea, others might describe it as not such a good idea. I ventured down to the Experimental Gas Chamber where thousands had once died and decided to meditate in there, this late in the day it was very silent in there. OK here is 1 more photo!
I played with the idea of stepping over the barrier and sitting somewhere forbidden as I had the notion that I would like to meditate next to the door where people would have been screaming to get out. The only place to sit was underneath the holes in the ceiling where scientists would drop in the gas canisters so I gently placed myself on the floor and begun silently watching my breath with eyes closed. Occasionally people passed through, probably wondering why there was a bearded jewish looking guy sitting on the floor of the Gas Chamber meditating but I shut myself off to these self-conscious wonderings, staying with the softness in my breath. I suddenly noticed a very soft innocent, childlike and beautiful presence to my right. Something in me told me it was a young girl, the feel of her energy in my hands was light to touch, full of joy and innocence. I asked her if there was something she needed and how she was. She told me she was fine but that her Mother was stuck here and she didn't want to leave her Mother. Her mother was suddenly turning towards me on the other side of the chamber, the horrific frequency of her energy almost scared my pants brown! However I held it together as the child seemed friendly enough. The Mother had a slightly demonic energy about her, the child told me that there was something that needed to be felt, I invited the Mother to come closer (but not too close), I instructed her in a very clear and masterful tone to keep her distance but that I would allow her to enter into me a little bit in service of freeing herself from this place. Firstly I coughed up some energy and then we agreed that we would all leave the chamber together and I would find a tree to put them both in, this would support them to leave this stuck place and return to the one. Holding their hands we walked towards the doors. The child was happy to be leaving but the Mother stopped dead at the door. She told me she couldn't leave the others that had died there. I asked her to look at her beautiful daughter, I asked her "do you love your daughter?" "Is your love for your daughter greater than your sense of loyalty to those others who died here?" She cried "Yes" and moved over the threshold into the arms of her daughter and back into my hands. We walked a few hundred meters away from the chamber there was a thick looking tree. I introduced them to the tree, commanding the Mother a little more sternly than the child, they said thank you, smiled and disappeared happily into the tree. Now I have no idea whether all of this was just some strange story or fantast that I made up, I have never had an experience like this before and have not got any experience working psychically with the dead but afterwards I felt very peaceful. I now also feel a lot of trust that whatever happens in the next 48 hours will be good for me and good for the space. These days I have been spending most of the time in Auschwitz I. The real attrocities happened at Birkenau Auschwitz II, that camp is 6 times larger, with 4 gas chambers and that is where most were killed more towards 1944. I will be spending the next 2 days there, maybe coming back to mediate in the experimental gas chamber sometimes in Auschwitz I. Lets see what other strange and beautiful experiences this place has to offer. From the light vortex, signing off. Anu Azrael