The End or The Beginning?

Day 4. The final chapter of this mini-pilgrimage or is it the first page of some longer movement in my life?
Last night at 2am there was a crazy drunk guy with no shirt running around the 24hr car park screaming in thin air.  I didn't feel very comfortable sleeping there whilst this commotion was going on so I hit the motorway to find some motorway parking for the night.  I could have left Auschwitz right there and then but something in me felt unfinished at Birkenau, as if there was some deeper movement happening inside of me that it is impossible to understand but that has to be respected none the less.  Something unexplainable. I felt that Auschwitz was both spitting me out and yet at the same time drawing me back in, contradicting deeper movements were at play here clearly.  

It is now 1pm. I am back here in Birkenau, the heat is relentless, not sure why I am back here but I have given myself 2 hours and asked the place that whatever needs to happen let it happen in this available period of time, time to see what is here, say goodbye and thank you. 

I walk into the woods behind the camp not too far from the old Gas Chamber and mass grave,  I find a long pilgrim style stick on the ground fallen from a tree, I take it with me.  I walk over to a shady spot & sit down on the leaf strewn ground of the woods.  It isn't so easy to breathe here today, there is a dank pressure in the air surrounding my head, eyes and lungs. I feel I want to break down into tears.  That's it, I realize it is hard for me to leave this place feeling there is nothing I can do.  I feel sick as I write this. I hear a loud voice within me screaming, "I can't leave them all here. (They are holding my heart so tightly I can feel it physically, I want to vomit) I can't just leave!"  As I write this I start choking, spluttering, coughing, despairing, crying.  As I name this my breathing becomes easier as I realize I can leave whenever I wish.  My nose is blocked, I still feel a little collapsed in my neck and despair in the pit of my belly but there is also now a softness in my breath that wasn't there before, which feels a relief. The death vortex is strong here, it pulls us into its bosom with ease.  The light vortex is strong, just as strong, even stronger!

My eyes are open.
Praise God and welcome the light.
My heart is open.
Praise God and welcome the light.
My hands are open.
Praise God and welcome the light.

Now this is the inner shift that needed to happen I am ready to leave this place now.
I wish to take the pilgrim stick with me but am afraid if I leave through the front gate they will take it from me.
(Which is interesting because for me the stick represents life, so I had a fear that if I leave through the front gate that my life would be taken from me, which fits with the old resonance in this field).  So I decide to escape through the back fields.  I walk the edge of the fence and find a small stream that dips down into a ditch and goes all the way to the road outside, which is perfect as it means any security guards circling the area won't see me leaving with the stick (my life). 
As I walk this stream I wonder if other prisoners ever ran through this stream trying to escape.  I make it out to the road, back to my car and away with my life!   Traditionally Pilgrimage is walked with a pilgrim stick and the stick is given up at the end of the pilgrimage.  In this pilgrimage I have found the stick at the end and I will take it on into the pilgrimage of my life, remembering always that like this stick, life can be very fragile, it can be taken from us at any moment, so lets be kind towards ourselves and life, lets appreciate life fully, never missing an opportunity to really live!

I am not quite sure what happened to me these last 4 days but I have felt a lot moving inside.  Auschwitz has reminded me very strongly that I know very little and actually knowing anything of substance in the much bigger picture of existence is like picking up a grain of salt with chopsticks from a beach full of sand dunes. What a waste of energy and all for the familiar taste of salt.  Bert Hellinger said something when talking about movements of soul. He said something that inspired the following awareness in me, very often we wish to know what has happened but there is no information.  What is important is that at a deeper level something has moved, we don't know what but anyway it has moved so what does it matter what actually happened except for satisfying the mind's need to put it into some kind of context, what good will that do?  I don't know why I felt drawn to this place, I don't know what has happened to me here and I don't know what will happen next...and so...life goes on.  Thanks for coming with me.

Thank you Auschwitz.
May we live our lives with great abandon, fully from our hearts, hold nothing back, for we might never see tomorrow, now is the time to LIVE!



 

2 comments

  • Jenny

    Jenny Islington, London

    No words can express the gratitude I have in my heart for what you have done and for what I have felt I have deeply experienced at times with you. I too have experienced a combination and array of emotions from fear, devastation, immense and profound anger, rage, sadness and hopelessness. I am so grateful that you went back the last time and were able to take the stick out in the way you did. I think this is profound. I love you dearly Anu your mission here for your self and others is so immense and my heart is filled with gratitude for what you do and have have done for those who have died and for those of us who carry the ancestral DNA. Bless you and thank you for bearing light to those who were there and those of us who have this in our history and our karma. Love Jenny xxx

    No words can express the gratitude I have in my heart for what you have done and for what I have felt I have deeply experienced at times with you. I too have experienced a combination and array of emotions from fear, devastation, immense and profound anger, rage, sadness and hopelessness. I am so grateful that you went back the last time and were able to take the stick out in the way you did. I think this is profound. I love you dearly Anu your mission here for your self and others is so immense and my heart is filled with gratitude for what you do and have have done for those who have died and for those of us who carry the ancestral DNA. Bless you and thank you for bearing light to those who were there and those of us who have this in our history and our karma. Love Jenny xxx

  • Anu Azrael

    Anu Azrael

    Bless you Jenny :-) Thank you my dear.

    Bless you Jenny :-) Thank you my dear.

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