Girl: All my friends are in relationships and all I get are shitty situations and I am angry because life dosen't give me what I want. 

Me: Comparing yourself is the quickest route to suffering. You are unique. Many of your friends aren't like you, you have many gifts they don't. The more you stamp your foot because you want something life isn't giving, the more blind you are to what is actually available and the less chance you get anything close to what you want. For instance right now, there is an opportunity for connection here, we don't know what it brings or what happens inside of it but anyway here it is, the question is are you fully open to it? Free of all your ideas about what you want? or will you try to force your ideas into it, then it becomes...shitty.  Its like this choice between trying to force others into what we want them to be or just loving them exactly as they are and celebrating what is, no matter how it looks. The stronger our attachments to outcome going into connection, the less space there is for genuine meeting.

Developing Sexual Maturity 

‘Awakening out of experiencing love as an expression of unresolved bonding and realising Surrendered Love’  

The Child

Unconscious Sexuality & Sexual Addiction – This is the state of sex where unresolved trauma is unconsciously driving our sexual impulses and we are bringing little to no awareness to that, from this state of unconsciousness we seek out partners with similar psychological issues so that we can remain as comfortable as possible.  This state of sex is symbolized by an unrealized heart, the heart at this frequency of sex is frozen and mostly inactive, its certainly less active than the root chakra.  This state of sex is primarily pleasure seeking and strongly goal oriented.  All levels of Unconscious Sexuality are on the addiction spectrum.  This state of sex is underscored by the culture of unconscious objectification that is driven by unresolved bonding trauma.  At this level of awareness we get identified in feelings of deep longing that are associated with unresolved bonding trauma and we call this ‘love’.  Its symptoms include the need to feel constant closeness with our sexual partner, lack of trust in our attachment with them, feelings of insecurity and jealousy dominating our behaviours.  At this level of ‘love’ there are also unconscious loyalties to the suffering of others driving our attachment needs.  In the work of Surrendered Sexuality we work on learning new ways to support ourselves and each other that transcend the addiction spectrum so that we can begin relating in new and progressive ways.  

The Adolescent

Healing Sexuality – This is a state of sex where the heart is basically ready to come online and begin transforming sex, there is a willingness to be and express vulnerability but there is also a need for our partner to provide ‘safe space’ in order that this can happen which means there is dependency on one another.  This state of sex is experienced as a state of chaos, a kind of sexual adolescence.  It is both fragmented and provides access to temporary states of oneness and bliss.  Since this state of sex is like a bridge between the broken heart and the open heart, both frequencies of brokenness and openness can be found represented here in this realm.  The partners we attract out of this state of sex will more than likely demonstrate strong similarity with the patterns from our family past yet at the same time they will also demonstrate a basic degree of capacity for moving beyond those patterns and being true to who they are, so there is as much possibility to be drawn back into old patterns as there is also the possibility for healing and growth together.  Often both are happening at different times in the relationship.  Neither partner in this state of sex has developed any deep consistency and congruence in their relationship to their true selves, so there is a tendency for erratic patterns of flipping between acting out, experiencing unresolved feelings from the past & new insightful states of self awareness.  Relationships that are rooted in this state of sex are vehicles of great transformation but have a tendency to not last very long unless both partners can begin transcending into a state of Surrendered Sexuality together.   

The Adult

Surrendered Sexuality – The terms Surrendered Sexuality & Surrendered Love are interchangeable. They mean exactly the same thing for if Surrendered Sexuality is not pure fluid open love then it is not fully surrendered.   

In Surrendered Sexuality I am no longer seeking anything or anyone outside of myself to make it safe for me. I have an internalised sense of safety and security.  In Surrendered Love I am connected to everything in existence, I am completely unidentified, I am nothing and I am everything all at once.  I am the beauty of the sky and the sun as it disappears beyond the horizon and to experience this is no different than the experience of disappearing into physical union with the other.  There is no longer separation between sex, nature and my experience of the present moment, I am at one with all of it.  My heart and sex are no longer separate entities, I am fully alive, sensitized, innocent.  This state of being is pure Meditation, total Tantra.  There is no hidden agenda, no goal to achieve, no power to abuse, we are all the same being just dissolving into the experience of unadulterated beauty.  In this state of being everything just happens, we are not controlling anything and we have no need to, not unless we touch our limits again then we express our need, let ourselves be held in deep embrace and dissolve once more into the beauty of surrendered love, ever deepening, there is no end to it.   

A Lens for looking deeper at our own state of sexual consciousness

Each of these stages in sexual growth are not to be taken too literally, they are simply a lens for seeing things more clearly.  Everyone is identified in every one of these stages, the process of development is not totally linear, we are human, we pendulate backwards and forwards, building congruence over time through the different stages of sexual experience.  In different periods of our lives we will recognise that the order changes in terms of which states we feel more rooted in at any given time.  Of course the more capacity and consciousness that is cultivated, the stronger the relationship we will have with the state of Surrender but maintaining this organic relationship is an ongoing task.   

If you are really into TANTRA and Conscious Sexuality…don’t be delluded

Also I want to speak to the people who think they are living fully in Surrendered Love and have totally transcended the other two.  You are deluding yourselves.  We ALL have our limits, core trauma and a relationship with the pain body.  The deeper we inhabit the experience of surrender and beauty, the more likely it is that we are driven towards our painful edges and then we begin naturally pendulating into Healing Sexuality in order to integrate something further.  If in the moment we touch this painful edge we don’t have the available resources to transition through it then we will more than likely find ourselves in some degree of addiction as way of surviving until a later moment when we may find better access to our resources again.  We are all human, all of the time. 

I offer online sessions in Surrendered Coaching. For more info click here

With regards to the global Covid culture and movements.  What do you believe? What are the hidden influences in your identification with these beliefs?  Can you accept that you don’t actually know for sure and that you might be wrong? Or are you really sure about your views? To what degree can you separate your personal experience with your ideas and beliefs about what is going on in the world? 

Stories & beliefs are an extremely powerful thing.  Our beliefs in stories over the ages have taken us into war many times, genocides have occurred, witches burned, lands annexed, all manner of atrocities have been committed over the ages as a result of our beliefs in stories and our unbending willingness to fight for what we believe and these wars are very often just stories and counter-stories fighting with one another through us.  Opposites attempting to reintegrate themselves through the vehicle of conflict. 

Story Vs Counter-Story 
There is presently a story being told by societies and the mainstream media globally.  It is about a virus and how we have to protect our health services and each other by wearing masks, self-isolating, locking down & taking vaccines.  There are many of us who believe in this story whole-heartedly.  For every story told there is of course a counter-story.  The counter-story is the direct opposite of the story being told.  The counter-story in this instance is that all the global governments and media outlets are co-conspirators in a giant set of lies fuelled by lobbying from the pharmaceutical industries and a handful of billionaires including B-ll Gates.  That all alternative information sources and statistics around the real dangers of Covid-19 & the effectiveness and safety of vaccines is being actively suppressed by the mainstream media.  So are you mainly a believer in the story or the counter-story? What side are you taking? 

Polarization as a symptom of unresolved trauma: The Pleaser vs The Rebel 
There are two major survival based sub-personalities that we learn to behave out of as children in order for us to survive overwhelming and difficult experiences growing up.  The first is The pleaser. 
The Pleaser never challenges the parents, they do everything they possibly can to make sure they behave in a way that never causes the parents any possible disturbance.  This is a childhood learned survival response, the belief is ‘unless my parents/society except me I am not OK’.  The second is The Rebel.  The rebel challenges everything the parent tells them, also unable to receive the genuine love that deep down their parent has for them.  The Rebel questions everything and believes that nothing that comes in from the outside can be trusted and that all power is corrupt. The belief is ‘unless I pit myself against my parents/society then I do not exist’.  It is my hypothesis that mostly pleasers believe the story and mostly rebels believe the counter-story and their identification with these opposing sides is unconsciously rooted in the survival impulse and connected to their unresolved traumas.  Therefore both sides end up in conflict with one another.  Which side do you find yourself on in the great debate happening around Covid? 

Awakening the truth within:  What we have to learn from one another? 
The burning question I have is can the immense beauty of who we are become apparent without the need for us to collectively go through war and conflict with one another? With all my heart I long for the answer to this question to be yes we can realize beauty without going through war but the truth is I really don’t know.  Maybe war and conflict is unavoidable?  Is war simply what needs to happen in order for collective tensions to be alleviated successfully?  One thing I do believe is that by becoming aware of who we are and why we defend the positions that we choose to stand by, we can become the solution itself.  Every human has to make their own choices in this regard.  I believe we can choose to be aware of the sides that we take and what lies beneath the loyalty we have for those sides and from this awareness we can choose to remain empathic with the whole rather than getting drawn into conflict.  We all take sides, the question is how honest can we be with ourselves about the sides we are taking?  Maybe we all have something to teach one another? Maybe rebels teach the power of questioning and Pleasers teach the power of compassion? Maybe none of us really know what the truth about anything is? Maybe we are just doing the best we can to not lose ourselves in an ocean of overwhelm? 

Questions that move us forward from here, am I ready to be love rather than remaining stuck in what stops love from flowing?  Do I recognize myself as love? Freedom?  Power? Beauty? Am I ready to let go of thinking that I know the truth and surrender to being the truth?! Can I stand in my power knowing that there isn’t anyone or anything on this planet or beyond that can ever take this power that I am away from me.  There are no external authorities to fight, only unresolved traumas playing themselves out on a collective level to be witnessed and compassionate understanding to be cultivated and shared with those around me?  

What side of this debate do you often find yourself on and where is that rooted in your life experience?  Are you ready to consciously own that loyalty and find greater compassion for the whole?  I believe our hearts are much bigger than these polarized games we play, lets all grow in love together? 

Anu Azrael

Many of us have a tendency to take up the position of the one to be there for the other person. The giver. We naturally take up this giving position, which communicates at the unconscious level to the other person that we are totally self-sufficient and we don't need anything from them.  Of course from this position the other is going to expect a lot from us because we set ourselves up as not needing anything from them from the very start and of course the relationship will not last because playing someone's parent and refusing to receive something from the other and take the risk of being hurt by them is totally unsustainable.

Growing up means being ready to be hurt by the other and giving up some of our self-sufficiency. Total self-sufficiency is a psychobiological survival mechanism we learn through trauma. The giver is a very powerful position. Balance in relationship happens when we take the risk of needing something from the other. We have to learn how to be a little less self sufficient. We parent our own inner children but the adult man in me needs something from adult woman in you. The adult woman in you needs something from the adult man in me. Curiosity and a willingness to share openly must be relatively mutual otherwise it becomes more like a parent-child relationship and they are not sustainable if you are into spiritual growth.

We can not grow spiritually if we are unwilling to be vulnerable in relationship. The idea that this is possible is a spiritual bypass. Conscious relationship is not about being totally detached. Honesty about our limits and edges is fundamental for the cultivation of healthy relationships.

A woman will often unconsciously attempt to seduce a man out of his strength and holding position because part of her is afraid of his power, which is a symptom of collective gender trauma but actually she wants him to stand strong as it means she is safe with him. Its like a test that she puts him through that a deeper part of her wants him to pass. It is the survivor in her that expects him to fail and wants him to because it is part of her defence strategy. 

Woman is a skilled manipulator. She has honed this skill over many generations of patriarchal rule in order to not be a victim. Unconscious seduction is her survival mechanism and the way she both protects herself and abuses her own true power. Man abuses his power through brute physical strength and aggression. 

Often in relationship woman will play the role of mother in order that she can experience the man as a child, this creates a false sense of safety (but its not real safety). Real safety happens when the man lovingly refuses to be a child and remains present in himself as an adult man, then the woman can relax into simply being a woman. In order for a woman to let go of being a mother or a child in relation to a man she has to feel safe. So she tests a man to find out if she is. 

It is connected to need. If the child in a man still needs something from his mother then this is a point of weakness that his partner fills. She becomes a willing object. When the child in a woman still needs something from her father then this is a point of weakness her partner fills. He becomes a willing object. Then the relationship becomes about fulfilling invisable roles and duties, which if your life is oriented towards growth and expansion of awareness, this type of relating is unsustainable. 

The way forward is gentle loving refusal to play roles with one another beyond a certain point. Short aggressive refusal to play a role often comes from a space of spiritual arrogance which is basically rooted in commitment phobia and/or anti-dependency which is violent and most likely retraumatizing. Its important that we cultivate as much love for each other as we do an awareness of who we are are and the roles we have a tendency to play.

Often one or several people in the family system carry the difficult fate of older ancestors, this makes them ill. The sentence is often something like 'out of love for you I will die in your place or I follow you'. 

This is the choice of each individual and needs to be fully honoured and respected. A person's relationship with life and death is unique to each person and each person has a right to choose. 

We see it like the person who is most troubled in the family has the greatest love for everyone else in the System, that is why they choose to carry so much. 

The family system asks illness or death of no one but sometimes individuals within systems choose to become ill because they think its going to help someone else. They are confused. 

A Family Constellation is not designed to change peoples choices. It is designed to bring awareness to deeper systemic dynamics and offer the possibility for healing, what a person chooses in their soul is still their choice, influenced by the system but not chosen by it.

What happens when we make the decision to let go fully to the next step without knowing what will happen next? Its interesting that when the fool takes the risk of stepping his first foot over the cliff's edge and trusting that when he makes that step he will be caught, the universe starts to gather around his courage in loving support and catch him before he falls to his death.  What happens when we take the risk to make a step without knowing? Accepting our aloneness in the task and doing that with full trust, 'accepting the possibility of total aloneness in the task', rather than hanging onto the familiar out of fear? As soon as we make this step people start showing up and the universe starts supporting us in powerful ways. There is this deep relationship between Universal support and our attachments to the Mother and the original blood family, the more we step away from the support of blood family both internally and externally, the more energy that we find to move beyond previously familiarised territories and the more the universe steps up and gives a stronger kind of support to us in life. Its like moving beyond blood and into spirit, the blood is always there but spirit becomes our primary focus.  Maybe moving beyond the family is foolish? Yes I am sure it is. I would rather be a fool than a hanging man, sacrificing my gifts to try and carry the suffering of the past for no reason other than to satisfy my need for the feeling of security and familiarity. Lets all be a little more foolish in our lives.

As I listen to life, as I receive from life, I become more present in my life. 
As I listen to life, as I receive life and as life receives me, I grow more alive. 
As I listen to life, growing in presence and growing in aliveness, my love grows, my heart swells and I energetically grow in size, the bigger I get, the more easily I can integrate difficult experiences and accept things as they are without the need to fight.  As I bow in honour of the power of life, surrendering my desires to the light of life and trusting that she knows best what comes next, all tension dissolves and I am carried on the crest of her beautiful waves. 

What stops me from moving forward in life? When I think I know better than life and feel that what I desire and dream is more important than what life wants for me, this is a kind of arrogance that can only lead to illness and suffering.  All physical and psychological illness is a symptom of fighting with life.  All issues and problems are symptoms of not listening to and respecting life. 

Why do I stop listening to life if it is harmful to me? Why do I take myself so important, thinking that what I want is more important than what life wants?  Not listening to life and inflating the ego self is actually a survival strategy against feeling out of control, it is something we both develop and are conditioned with through personal and collective trauma.  It is very hard for us to accept that we are not in control of what happens to us mainly because we are afraid of dying and as long as we remain in the illusion of control then we will avoid facing our fear of death. 

When we are afraid of something or someone and we actively avoid facing that fear we actually bind ourselves even more deeply to that person or thing.  That which we reject we become.  So through rejecting death we all become unconsciously bonded with the unresolved traumas of our dead ancestors. We are often afraid to really live our lives fully for fear of being disloyal to the patterns in our family.  So we attempt to stay close to our family through making the same mistakes that they have but it does not bring success and happiness to our lives, nor does it help our family.  Rather than living more fully and freely out of our own life energy centres we often stay entangled in this negative loyalty to their mistakes, living out of these trauma patterns without even realising it.  Playing out the past again and again in all kinds of relationships, trying to fulfil the unrealized dreams of parents & grandparents.