Many of us have a tendency to take up the position of the one to be there for the other person. The giver. We naturally take up this giving position, which communicates at the unconscious level to the other person that we are totally self-sufficient and we don't need anything from them.  Of course from this position the other is going to expect a lot from us because we set ourselves up as not needing anything from them from the very start and of course the relationship will not last because playing someone's parent and refusing to receive something from the other and take the risk of being hurt by them is totally unsustainable.

Growing up means being ready to be hurt by the other and giving up some of our self-sufficiency. Total self-sufficiency is a psychobiological survival mechanism we learn through trauma. The giver is a very powerful position. Balance in relationship happens when we take the risk of needing something from the other. We have to learn how to be a little less self sufficient. We parent our own inner children but the adult man in me needs something from adult woman in you. The adult woman in you needs something from the adult man in me. Curiosity and a willingness to share openly must be relatively mutual otherwise it becomes more like a parent-child relationship and they are not sustainable if you are into spiritual growth.

We can not grow spiritually if we are unwilling to be vulnerable in relationship. The idea that this is possible is a spiritual bypass. Conscious relationship is not about being totally detached. Honesty about our limits and edges is fundamental for the cultivation of healthy relationships.

A woman will often unconsciously attempt to seduce a man out of his strength and holding position because part of her is afraid of his power, which is a symptom of collective gender trauma but actually she wants him to stand strong as it means she is safe with him. Its like a test that she puts him through that a deeper part of her wants him to pass. It is the survivor in her that expects him to fail and wants him to because it is part of her defence strategy. 

Woman is a skilled manipulator. She has honed this skill over many generations of patriarchal rule in order to not be a victim. Unconscious seduction is her survival mechanism and the way she both protects herself and abuses her own true power. Man abuses his power through brute physical strength and aggression. 

Often in relationship woman will play the role of mother in order that she can experience the man as a child, this creates a false sense of safety (but its not real safety). Real safety happens when the man lovingly refuses to be a child and remains present in himself as an adult man, then the woman can relax into simply being a woman. In order for a woman to let go of being a mother or a child in relation to a man she has to feel safe. So she tests a man to find out if she is. 

It is connected to need. If the child in a man still needs something from his mother then this is a point of weakness that his partner fills. She becomes a willing object. When the child in a woman still needs something from her father then this is a point of weakness her partner fills. He becomes a willing object. Then the relationship becomes about fulfilling invisable roles and duties, which if your life is oriented towards growth and expansion of awareness, this type of relating is unsustainable. 

The way forward is gentle loving refusal to play roles with one another beyond a certain point. Short aggressive refusal to play a role often comes from a space of spiritual arrogance which is basically rooted in commitment phobia and/or anti-dependency which is violent and most likely retraumatizing. Its important that we cultivate as much love for each other as we do an awareness of who we are are and the roles we have a tendency to play.

Often one or several people in the family system carry the difficult fate of older ancestors, this makes them ill. The sentence is often something like 'out of love for you I will die in your place or I follow you'. 

This is the choice of each individual and needs to be fully honoured and respected. A person's relationship with life and death is unique to each person and each person has a right to choose. 

We see it like the person who is most troubled in the family has the greatest love for everyone else in the System, that is why they choose to carry so much. 

The family system asks illness or death of no one but sometimes individuals within systems choose to become ill because they think its going to help someone else. They are confused. 

A Family Constellation is not designed to change peoples choices. It is designed to bring awareness to deeper systemic dynamics and offer the possibility for healing, what a person chooses in their soul is still their choice, influenced by the system but not chosen by it.

What happens when we make the decision to let go fully to the next step without knowing what will happen next? Its interesting that when the fool takes the risk of stepping his first foot over the cliff's edge and trusting that when he makes that step he will be caught, the universe starts to gather around his courage in loving support and catch him before he falls to his death.  What happens when we take the risk to make a step without knowing? Accepting our aloneness in the task and doing that with full trust, 'accepting the possibility of total aloneness in the task', rather than hanging onto the familiar out of fear? As soon as we make this step people start showing up and the universe starts supporting us in powerful ways. There is this deep relationship between Universal support and our attachments to the Mother and the original blood family, the more we step away from the support of blood family both internally and externally, the more energy that we find to move beyond previously familiarised territories and the more the universe steps up and gives a stronger kind of support to us in life. Its like moving beyond blood and into spirit, the blood is always there but spirit becomes our primary focus.  Maybe moving beyond the family is foolish? Yes I am sure it is. I would rather be a fool than a hanging man, sacrificing my gifts to try and carry the suffering of the past for no reason other than to satisfy my need for the feeling of security and familiarity. Lets all be a little more foolish in our lives.

As I listen to life, as I receive from life, I become more present in my life. 
As I listen to life, as I receive life and as life receives me, I grow more alive. 
As I listen to life, growing in presence and growing in aliveness, my love grows, my heart swells and I energetically grow in size, the bigger I get, the more easily I can integrate difficult experiences and accept things as they are without the need to fight.  As I bow in honour of the power of life, surrendering my desires to the light of life and trusting that she knows best what comes next, all tension dissolves and I am carried on the crest of her beautiful waves. 

What stops me from moving forward in life? When I think I know better than life and feel that what I desire and dream is more important than what life wants for me, this is a kind of arrogance that can only lead to illness and suffering.  All physical and psychological illness is a symptom of fighting with life.  All issues and problems are symptoms of not listening to and respecting life. 

Why do I stop listening to life if it is harmful to me? Why do I take myself so important, thinking that what I want is more important than what life wants?  Not listening to life and inflating the ego self is actually a survival strategy against feeling out of control, it is something we both develop and are conditioned with through personal and collective trauma.  It is very hard for us to accept that we are not in control of what happens to us mainly because we are afraid of dying and as long as we remain in the illusion of control then we will avoid facing our fear of death. 

When we are afraid of something or someone and we actively avoid facing that fear we actually bind ourselves even more deeply to that person or thing.  That which we reject we become.  So through rejecting death we all become unconsciously bonded with the unresolved traumas of our dead ancestors. We are often afraid to really live our lives fully for fear of being disloyal to the patterns in our family.  So we attempt to stay close to our family through making the same mistakes that they have but it does not bring success and happiness to our lives, nor does it help our family.  Rather than living more fully and freely out of our own life energy centres we often stay entangled in this negative loyalty to their mistakes, living out of these trauma patterns without even realising it.  Playing out the past again and again in all kinds of relationships, trying to fulfil the unrealized dreams of parents & grandparents.